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| I don't have any candles. If I don't have any candles, I must not have
a flame. If I don't have a flame, I must not have much of anything
else. And if I don't have much of anything else, I must not have
anything to live for.
...Oh but it is so wrong! The candles, of
which can be replaced by virtually anything, are seemingly always
vanilla scented. I don't particularly care for the scent of vanilla,
thus not having candles is more beneficial than having
candles. Since it's October, it's not too cold yet. But since winter
is coming up, I'll be needing some candles. Now don't get me wrong,
this is not about candles. What this is is a realization that I don't
necessarily need candles, at least if it means I have to struggle to
get them or get them and not appreciate them.
Even though I don't
care too much for the scent of vanilla, I still can't help but want to
see that vanilla glow. Illuminated. Illuminated and glowing... even
if it's vanilla scented. For some reason once I get that candle,
regardless of how it came or what it looks like or what it smells like,
I let it burn.
Is this similar to passion? Hypothetically:I
don't have any passion. If I don't have any passion, I must not have a
flame. If I don't have a flame, I must not have much of anything
else. And if I don't have much of anything else, I must not have
anything to live for... to die for... to thirst for.
But unlike those candles, I do necessarily
need passion. I NEED IT. I yearn for a passion that I have to
struggle to get. That struggling to touch that flame is so much more
autumn-fragranced than the vanilla-scented candle I didn't appreciate
to begin with. I don't really deserve that fresh lingering of autumn
but because I had to search for that candle, I had to struggle for it.
And I let it burn. Oh passion holds that same illuminating radiance
that the majesty of autumn places at our fingertips as we
flame the wick of the candle. I'm warm now, in the early days of
October. The autumn-scented candle sits next to my bible, where the
flickering and dancing and life of the flame touches every dark corner
of this room. I can smell autumn everywhere, and all I need is just
one candle.
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| Why do I try so hard to care for people who don't wish to be cared for!? And why do I give them so much of my breath when all they want is your "attention" but they want you to stay out of their business?! What the heck!!! I am puzzled by people who don't know what they want in a true friend!!!
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| I feel really stupid for originally creating this thing to be a fanpage. Should've just left it as a blog the way it's intended to be. Well I'll at least use this every so often for this so-called "blogging" purpose.
Anyway, I'm a little frustrated. Yes, I get angry easily sometimes but I can't help it most of the time. So, why am I here? Because myspace sucks and it's too impersonal. Now, the real reason for my frustration... I'm SICK AND TIRED of people using me for my things, for my money, for my talents, for my kindness, for everything. I've worked really hard and have been put through some really tough things for me to have to take care of everyone else and all of their problems, but I do it anyway. Why? Because I'm a weak person and I have no guts enough to tell anyone that I'm TIRED OF BEING USED. Let's start at home, shall we?
I love my niece. Melany is the single sweetest and most innocent thing I've known in my life. And I love her more than anyone might fathom. My sister (her mother) takes advantage of that. She knows that I have such a soft spot for Melany and she always uses Melany as her means of getting me to do things for her that I normally wouldn't. Most people would get to their wits end with having to watch someone elses' baby all day every day and not getting paid for it, but at least they have the option of quitting when they want. I can't. She lives with me, they live with me. And because I love her so much, I can't bare to let her go unwatched all day long while her mother pays absolutely no attention to her. I'm her doormat to be used at her disgretion.
Alright, let's move on. How about friends? I've been used time and time again for someone's "support," someone's "light," someone's only "example" or "friend." Misty now treats me like the piss that I am because I finally got tired of being the support for her and letting her use me as her toilet. Serena ignores the fact that I'm alive because she'd rather have used me only when she had no one else than to keep the one friend who loved her exactly the way she was. Leticia, well, she's just another Misty and Serena. Leticia gets kicked to the curb by her boyfriend for doing something really in the wrong, comes to my aid and potential friendship when no one else wanted her because of that mistake, and then gets herself together. Borrows my clothes, my camera, and my money and makes some new drinking buddies. Needless to say, she's gone out with them as I write this, drinking and partying just like Misty and Serena did when they stopped being my friend. Useless, yeah?
So then there are the acquaintances who let you think that you're friends. Guys mostly. Sorry to any guys reading this who aren't the bad guys, I've sadly run into too many of them. There's the guys who like to pretend that you're friends, like they like you, like they appreciate you, at least for your friendship. The guys who pretend to be your friend, just because they know you have some money and are a generous person. Yes, Marc, that would be you. You acted like we were friends, and took advantage of me and my kind-heartedness. Let me spend over $100 on a jacket for your birthday that you don't deserve, then call me and ask me to borrow another $100 "until your check comes in." It's been nearly a year since you borrowed that money from me, Marc. Why can't you just tell me that you're a liar who never intended on paying me back? Same goes for you, Chris. Thanks for abusing my kindness and time.
The store. Sadly enough, I quit that job over a year ago, and I did it because I was everyone's scapegoat for when they needed the day off, when they didn't feel like coming in, when they didn't show up to work. Call me in on the last minute? Not anymore. Call me in because Misty decided not to show up? No. Call me in 'cause someone else wants to go home to go to one of their family functions, but don't do the same when I need it off? Screw you.
I should really stop, just writing it out is getting me more and more angry with every little word. You're all what I call a waste.
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Saw
By Leigh Whannell, Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Ken Leung, Dina Meyer
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